Life Happens

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Liupanshui gabapentin dosage for seizures By Karen in Wonderland

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Ado Odo street price of gabapentin It’s been a while.  Life happens, things change and suddenly you find yourself attempting to find your footing and continue to move forward. Covid seemed to pause many of our lives in 2020 and 2021.  I wish I could blame my issues on Covid, but to be honest, both my mom and dad died in the past year and I found myself lost.  For 17 years I felt both financially and emotionally responsible for them.  Although I lived on the other side of the country, I saw them at least 3 times a year.  I never realized that my life was revolving around these trips.  Covid made these trips more infrequent and harder to accomplish and the deaths made them no longer necessary.  I suddenly became lost.

Most might think the feeling of loss was the deaths of my parents, but the true loss was the loss of being needed and relied upon.  I tried to handle it as an opportunity to open a new book, not just a new chapter but a whole new book.  The realization that I had no idea of what book to open came as a depressing surprise.  I found myself being lost and confused among all the opportunities.  I couldn’t shake the feelings of depression and being lost. 

My rare chronic illness, EGPA, that I have had for 14 years now flared under all the stress.  I truly believe I was living the last few years under constant pressure and fear and with the loss of parents, all that disappeared and my body responded by shutting down. 

Sadly, I was no longer finding any pleasure in the things I love.  Cooking became a chore, I refused to book another weekend away in our camper van and I avoided anything social. I love writing but I could no longer put words onto paper.  The pain of my EGPA became all-encompassing and I was unable to keep it as noise in the background while I moved forward with my life. I was becoming something that I hate, a professional patient.  A person obsessing over every ache and pain and hiding in my bedroom.  In the past, I have always believed that I lived side by side with my EGPA but suddenly, I was doing something I vowed to myself, early in my illness, never to do.  I was no longer living my life; I was allowing my chronic illness to live my life.

The first step in recovering is admitting you have a problem.  A few weeks back, I looked in the mirror and hated what I had become.  I knew I needed to change it quickly before I was no longer able to find the light at the end of the tunnel.  I talked to my doctors and switched up some of my maintenance meds that were making me miserable and exhausted.  I was thrilled to find out that there are other options and if a medicine is truly making your life miserable, talk to your medical professionals and find out if there is an alternative.  Lucky for me, there was an alternative and we are now trying it. 

Once I changed medications, I felt a huge fog lifted.  I also realized that I had been through a lot, not only in these past two years but in the last seventeen and it was OK to admit I was not OK.  I added a psych medication and it is already working to help me see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s not easy admitting you cannot solve problems on your own and may need psychological counseling.  For me, it usually meant I felt like a failure, but this time, it felt like I was a total success because I admitted things were not right and I sought out help.

How do I know I am getting better?  THIS!  By writing this…  I have not been able to put words to paper for 6 months.  This is my very first attempt to get back into the creative outlet that I need; writing.    I still have a lot of grieving and finding out what I want next in my life, but I am slowly finding myself in a better place to slowly discover who the new me will be.

Why am I sharing this?  I am a positive and generally happy person.  I always try to project hope and optimism.  If this darkness can overcome me, it can overcome anyone.  It’s not our fault when darkness comes over us and reaching out for help is the first step in recovering.

Having a chronic illness is hard… very hard.  Add on to that Covid and other stressors in life and sometimes something got to give.  Sometimes it’s our physical health, other times it’s our mental health.  Just like we would ask for help for a cut that needs stitches, we also must learn to ask for help with a mental cut that needs stitches to heal also. 

It’s nice to have a genuine smile again

Please be good to yourself and seek help for both physical and psychological issues so you can be the best YOU.  Know that sometimes our mental health is connected to our physical health and the medications we take, don’t be afraid to admit you are struggling and ask for help.  I did and now I am healing, slowing…. but finally, I can move forward again.